Crying doesn’t mean you are weak

How often does a song remind you of your spouse—and bring you to tears? You might think this is a bad thing. You might think that if you start to cry you will never stop. You might want to change your mind.

The fade of the casserole brigade

When someone we love dies we are thrown into a state of confusion, doubt and anxiety. We don’t know who we are or how to act—now that we are no longer a spouse, sibling, parent or someone’s kid. Often the only saving grace comes from knowing that we can count on close friends to come to the rescue—if we do take a real emotional header.

And then the calls, emails and invitations taper off.

No opinion, no theory, just details

I recently did a Motion Theater Improv workshop in Big Sur with Nina Wise. It was a fascinating week. She is a fascinating woman. There were days of nothing but improvised movement until she invited us to add words on one condition:  no opinion or theory, just details.

Remembering what you didn’t experience & passing it on

No child escapes inheriting positive and negative family legacies. Some stories are openly shared from adult to child, one generation to another. Some are never told because the emotional pain is intolerable and the story becomes taboo. Even though the unmentionable event may remain undefined, later generations nonetheless live with the “fallout” of the hidden legacy. In effect, they “remember” what they didn’t experience—directly or indirectly.

You will never forget this short animated video

After watching you will “at least” know how to act better—even if you don’t believe it’s necessary

Social researcher Brene Brown and illustrator Katy Davis help us understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. This video compliments an earlier TakingGrief.com post about the difference between authentic supportive listening and highlighting what is “good” about another’s personal crisis. Brown calls these off-base “comforting” comments “as least” statements.

If you have a few more minutes, listen to Brene’s funny and fascinating TED video presentation on shame, vulnerability and connection.

“And grief, like love, is resistant to reason….”

Mark Slouka’s father recently died. He acknowledges that old men die every day, but then his dad isn’t just any old man, and there is also the kicker that he is now the sole living member of his family—no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no brothers or sisters—no more shared blood. I understand this strange circumstance as I am also the last one standing in my family.

For those grieving the recent loss of a loved one, January can’t come too soon. It’s over—no more pretending you are fine for the sake of others. Yes, there are going to be tough days ahead—birthdays and other anniversaries will bring you down—but the big hoopla season of good cheer is over!

Consider celebrating what doesn’t go wrong in 2014

I have a suggestion for 2014. Try it for a few months and see what happens.

At the end of the day consider what didn’t go wrong. It may seem like a small idea, but is it? Yes, you are struggling to deal with the loss of your loved one, but have you considered what could have actually gone wrong today – and didn’t? No one called with bad news, nothing broke down, no one was hurt, and your house didn’t burn to the ground. If you add in any unexpected good news, it’s hard not to feel grateful.

And the kicker? It is January so you can be grateful without looking at decorations, without buying presents, and without cooking a meal!