Aksel Holland, age 17, died on April 10, 2018. Everyone who knew Aksel talks about how warm, loving, and intelligent he was.

His poem sets the bar for all of us.

How it really is

It’s not tragic
It’s not your disease to pity
It’s not something for you to feel lucky
that you don’t have to deal with

It’s an illness. disgusting
It takes people and changes them
Ugly shadows of what they could have been
had their mind not revolted

You sing praises for those who can function
Those who shower, work, talk
And condemn the ones who need help the most
“Look at that crazy homeless man”

If I yell at the air, you draw back
If she bleeds from her arms you recoil. gross.
If he can’t get out of bed, he’s lazy
Illness is only valid when it’s ‘normal’

The only tragedy you are allowed to mourn
the only moment not reserved for us
is the loss of a soul, a life
that couldn’t stay above the current

Do not look at me with pity
do not look at me with disdain
I am just as human, just as real
as you, and I need your help

I am not the storm
We are not who you think
We are fighters, warriors against everything
that you refuse to see

Hello Again –

Here to wish you a pleasant Sunday, and pass along a passage from Rahel Remen’s book, My Grandfather’s Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging. I read the book years ago and recommend it to anyone who feels a bit lost in the current world muddle.

“A colleague told me that he thinks of his life as an orchestra. Reclaiming his integrity reminds him of that moment before the concert when the concertmaster asks the oboist to sound an A. ‘At first there is chaos and noise as all parts of the orchestra try to align themselves with that note. But as each instrument moves closer and closer to it, the noise diminishes and when they all finally sound it together, there is a moment of rest, of homecoming.’

‘That is how it feels to me,’ he told me. ‘I am always tuning my orchestra. Somewhere deep inside there is a sound that is mine alone, and I struggle daily to hear it and tune my life to it. Sometimes there are people and situations that help me to hear my note more clearly; other times, people and situations make it harder for me to hear. A lot depends on my commitment to listening and my intention to stay coherent with this note. It is only when my life is tuned to my note that I can play life’s mysterious and holy music without tainting it with my own discordance, my own bitterness, resentment, agenda, and fears.’

Deep inside, our integrity sings to us whether we are listening or not. It is a note that only we can hear.”

This week the website On Being showcased the article, “Living through Death: Love at the End of Marriage.” It is a young mother’s daily observations of her neighbors: a husband caring for his wife during her final days.

It is the most beautiful tribute to the process of dying and being cared for that I remember reading. Probably because it comes from a young person’s perspective.

I do prefer to read rather than listen, but both are offered. I suggest you read, so your mind can pause to imagine the scenes the author writes about.

Take care all of you Talking BS.com readers! May the wind be at your back this month.

The following is Shane Parish’s Farnam Street article about open and closed mindedness, with excerpts from Ray Dalio’s best-selling book Principles.

I had egg on my face while reading! I wonder if you will as well.

The current political environment has destroyed many relationships that once provided our arena for quality dialogue. That said, politics is only part of our lives. If we can set aside politics and stay open to ways of thinking that challenge our thinking, our lives will be enriched. But, first, we need to understand what being “open” actually entails.

The Difference Between Open-Minded and Closed-Minded People

READING TIME: 6 MINUTES

Harvard Business Review recently posted an exceptional article on coping with the confusion and uncertainty that comes with life transitions. It’s longer than my usual posts, but I think you will enjoy it.

The following is from Robert Neimyer’s weekly After Talk column. Dr. Neimyer is a leading authority in the field of Death and Dying, and his childhood was impacted by a parent’s suicide.

It is important for all of us to know what to do and who to call if they know of someone who is contemplating taking their life.

Last week we were dismayed by the latest statistics on suicide in America. AfterTalk will be addressing this in coming weeks in this column, but first, we want to address those of you who have had a recent and close loss. In times of despair and hopelessness, it is not unnatural to think about suicide as a hypothetical. Should you have such thoughts, you should talk to a grief counselor. If you or someone you know who has suffered a loss thinks about suicide a lot, below are some resources you might consider from the outstanding American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Here is the news we found so unnerving:

• Suicide rates rose in all but one state between 1999 and 2016, with increases seen across age, gender, race and ethnicity, according to a report released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In more than half of all deaths in 27 states, the people had no known mental health condition when they ended their lives.
• In North Dakota, the rate jumped more than 57 percent. In the most recent period studied (2014 to 2016), the rate was highest in Montana, at 29.2 per 100,000 residents, compared with the national average of 13.4 per 100,000.
• Increasingly, suicide is being viewed not only as a mental health problem but a public health one. Nearly 45,000 suicides occurred in the United States in 2016 – more than twice the number of homicides – making it the 10th-leading cause of death. Among people ages 15 to 34, suicide is the second-leading cause of death.
• The most common method used across all groups was firearms.

You or someone you know might be at risk of suicide, here are ways to help:

• Call 1-800-273-8255 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.
• For the TrevorLifeline, a suicide prevention counseling service for the LGBTQ community, call 1-866-488-7386.
• If you suspect someone may be at risk:
1. Do not leave the person alone.
2. Remove any firearms, alcohol, drugs or sharp objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
3. Call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
4. Take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.
• Text HOME to 741741 to have a confidential text conversation with a trained crisis counselor from Crisis Text Line. Counselors are available 24/7. You can learn more about how the texting service works here.
• For online chat, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides a confidential chat window, with counselors available 24/7.
• Boys Town also provides counselors for youth-specific online chat at this link. It is available every Monday through Friday between 6 p.m. and midnight in the Central time zone.
• For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.

Another way to help is by supporting the nonprofits that provide suicide counseling, prevention and education. Volunteers are needed, and some train to become counselors.

Source: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. For more tips and warning signs, click here.

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The following letter was written a few years ago, to a man whose daughter had been killed—suddenly. He gave me permission to post the letter for Father’s Day.

Steve –

After you read this letter, please put it into a drawer and every month or so, pull it out and reread.

Mandy’s death shouldn’t have happened. But it did. When you say “our family is ruined,” keep in mind that is a thought, not yet the truth. That said, what you convince yourself is “true” will have a lot to do with your family’s future.

Part of your journey is reconciling your belief that “it is up to me to keep my children alive regardless of circumstances, and therefore I have failed.” Another part of the journey is remembering you are the parent of two living children.

Can you get through this horrid time and eventually enjoy being a father to Sam and Elizabeth?