For those grieving the recent loss of a loved one, January can’t come too soon. It’s over—no more pretending you are fine for the sake of others. Yes, there are going to be tough days ahead—birthdays and other anniversaries will bring you down—but the big hoopla season of good cheer is over!

Consider celebrating what doesn’t go wrong in 2014

I have a suggestion for 2014. Try it for a few months and see what happens.

At the end of the day consider what didn’t go wrong. It may seem like a small idea, but is it? Yes, you are struggling to deal with the loss of your loved one, but have you considered what could have actually gone wrong today – and didn’t? No one called with bad news, nothing broke down, no one was hurt, and your house didn’t burn to the ground. If you add in any unexpected good news, it’s hard not to feel grateful.

And the kicker? It is January so you can be grateful without looking at decorations, without buying presents, and without cooking a meal!

I want to be five years old again!

Robert Fulgham, author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, writes about what he wants for Christmas.  “It’s hard to talk about, but what I really, really, really want for Christmas is just this: I want to be five years old again for an hour. I want to laugh a lot and cry a lot. I want to be picked up, rocked to sleep in someone’s arms, and carried just one more time. I know what I really want for Christmas: I want my childhood back.

(Click on link at bottom of this post to watch video of Fulgham talking further about Christmas. Good stuff. I wouldn’t miss it if I were you. Heartwarming.)

I think most of us can relate to what Fulgham wants. Christmas is a complex time of the year. A loss of any kind feels more obvious during the holidays. When Christmas follows on the heels of the death of a loved one, it is healthy for the family members to work together to create a positive symbol honoring the presence of the absence. Here are two suggestions.

Making message ornaments

• Buy one ornament for each family member. Be sure the ornament top is removable and not exceptionally narrow. Traditional inexpensive ornaments provide plenty of room for this project.
• Cut a sheet of 8-1/2”x11” white inexpensive paper into ½” x8” strips.
• Write a private message to the deceased on one of the strips.
• Remove the hanger top of the ornament, and set the hanger and ornament aside.
• Roll the paper message as tightly as possible. It helps to do this on top of a table so it can be rolled very tightly.
• Push the rolled message through the ornament opening and replace the hanger. The message will rapidly unfurl inside of the ornament.  It is now ready to hang on the tree.
• Note: You might want use a permanent magic marker to date the bottom of the ornament.

Creating a paper memory garland

• Cut 1” strips of different colors of construction paper. Make sure they are the same length.
• Give three strips to each family member so they can write favorite holiday memories of the deceased, and/or a few words about what they miss about not sharing this holiday with them.
• If a family member can’t attend, mail their strips of paper, requesting they send them back prior to Christmas week.
• At the family gathering, take a vote as to who will thread and staple each strip into a loop, creating a memory garland for the tree.

Scheduling a family activity around the loss of your loved one is good for everyone and breaks the ice for those who have trouble expressing themselves. These are just examples; maybe you can come up with an even better one!

In closing, here is what I promised earlier

Fulgham talks about the child who came to his door at Christmas.

Understanding the Holidays

This is the first in a series of posts about understanding and coping with the holidays. Dr. Gerald Stein makes some interesting points about why the holiday season is often difficult for all of us.

Even though everyone usually tries to be on their best behavior, old wounds can be quickly opened by a word or two. If you have recently experienced the death of a loved one your grief likely overwhelms any sense of gratitude or joy—or willingness to put up with anything less than peace and quiet. If the truth be known, you might choose to skip the holidays entirely.

Why the Holidays “Bum You Out” and What to Do About It.

The following is an excerpt from retired psychiatrist Dr. Gerald Stein’s post Why the Holidays “Bum You Out” and What to Do About It.  While it does not specifically address coping with the holidays after the death of a loved one, it is a good start to understanding why the holidays are stressful for most everyone.

• We enter the darkest time of the year as we enter the holiday season and yet are expected to feel great about it, yet most of the world tried to look upbeat despite the suffering inside.
• Fall and winter is a time of things dying. Nature is cold and wet, not warm and bright. Driving takes longer and is more dangerous. .
• People have less time for you, and you have less time for yourself.
• Gifts much be chosen, crowds endured, food purchased and prepared. Budgets are stretched: planes are costlier, while airports and train stations are more crowded.
• You often dread the fact that you have to see family members you would never see if you had a choice – yet you are expected to smile through it all.
• TV and internet show inescapable images of other people having a wonderful time – which means there is something wrong with you because you aren’t sharing their wonderful time.
• It is the end of the year so you might be wondering where the year went, and reflecting on all the things you had hoped to accomplish that you didn’t.
• The media will talk about New Year’s Resolutions that you know you didn’t fulfill last year and now you are expected to set new ones and look forward to the process.
• Much of the holidays involve shopping, one of the emptiest, soul-slaying activities ever invented for many. It might give you a “sugar rush” but the thrill soon is over.
• New Year’s Day: You have a full 24-hours to reflect on your existence, compare your life to others who live in sunny California… and as you watch everyone having a wonderful time at the Rose Bowl you as you decide to do something more interesting, you pass a mirror, stop, look and realize – as Dan Greenburg and Marcia Jacobs say in How to Make Yourself Miserable:

To read original blog post:

http://drgeraldstein.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/why-the-holidays-bum-you-out-and-what-to-do-about-it/

Missing the touch of our loved one

Yearning for physical contact with the deceased is not limited to partner loss. After the death of a parent, sibling or child, the desire to touch and be touched by our loved one remains—yet we seldom mention it. Why? And what exactly are we missing, and how can we compensate for it?

The following are a few of the comments you may have received from genuinely caring people after the death of your loved one:

• “At least they are no longer suffering.”
• “You are strong, you’ll get through this.”
• “The Lord had another plan for them.”
• “You are young; you’ve got a lot of life to live.”
• “It is good that you didn’t have children together.”
• “It is good that you had children together.”
• “You were lucky to have had so many years together.”
• “It was such an ordeal, now you can move on.”
• “I know how you feel. I…”
• “You were lucky to have had such a happy marriage.”
• “You have plenty of time, you will have more children.”
• And if a pet has died, “You will get over this. The best thing you can do is get another dog.”

I often hear my clients say: “Why should I care about my health when I’m not sure I care to live?”

Because I am asking you to care, that’s why. And, further, I want you to agree to something else as well.

I can hear the pushback: “I no longer have a sense of purpose, little matters, nothing motivates me, I can’t move and I have lost my appetite”

Yes, and you are most likely numb and disoriented as well. Understand that I am not going to ask you to get motivated or reconnect to life.